Telling People...

Is horrid.

Possibly the most horrid part of the whole thing. As soon as someone cries (which they’re perfectly entitled to do, let’s be honest. I would if it were the other way round), you’re off. So I had to nip it in the bud. Get in with the no nonsense, I’m fine, I’m dealing with it, it’s not getting the better of me attitude before they could get upset. Selfish I know, but I had to tell a lot of people. I couldn’t cry on every single one of them. And I didn’t want to. When I want to cry I’ll cry (and you’ll know about it), but if I don’t feel like crying, I sure as hell don’t want to be set off. The thing is, you have control over what’s now happening to you – you know when your op is, what treatment they’re thinking of giving you. Your friends and family don’t. And that’s scary.

What is truly, truly horrible is knowing that you’re the person who is causing the upset to whoever you’re telling. Understandably people are shocked and upset and you would do ANYTHING to not be the one to have brought that about. You’re intentionally, through no fault of your own, hurting them. And that’s shit.

There are, of course, the people you think know who don’t. And then you feel terrible. Again. Only yesterday I sent someone an email canceling dinner and telling them I’d be in touch after the chemo started. After an hour with no reply I sent another email saying “you were told I was having to have chemo right…?”. That one got a reply straight away. “No”. Oops…. And the more you tell people, the more flippant you get – this has become a constant reality in your life and it becomes the norm. Not so much normal for your friends though…