Mainly, because it’s horrid.
It’s odd at the moment – being back in the
full throes of treatment and being a patient and ending up in hospital at all
hours of the day and night because one part or another of my body has decided
it isn’t going to play ball. Because it feels like so long since I’ve felt ill.
The treatments have been going on, the scans have been happening, we’ve been
full steam ahead and life has been normal, but since having the electrochemo at
the beginning of May, it’s been one thing after another and I have to keep
reminding myself that it’s only been like this for 7 weeks and it Will Get
Better.
After the electrochemo there were the
headaches and the flashing lights and the being told that I had cancer in my
brain. Then came the radio. As ever, the team at UCL did the most amazing job
of looking after me and the actual process of having the radio was very
dealable with. I went in to have my mask fitted (weirdly like a very clinical
facial where a warm, soft plastic sheet is laid over your face and gentle hands
pat it down to form a snug mold of your face). When you go in for the treatment
you lie on a table, your personal mask is placed over your face and then bolted
into place so you can’t move out of the line of fire. There are a few beeps,
then a long eeeehhhhhh sound (during which I recited a little mantra “the
cancer is dying the cancer is dying the cancer is dying”), then a gap, then
another eeeehhhhhh (more mantra), then the clips are off and your head’s free
and you’re off into the big bad world again. From lying on the bed and having
your nose mushed into your face to the clips springing free was 10 minutes max.
If that. No messing about. In out, shake those pesky tumorous cells all about.
The ONE annoying thing about radio though…
I’d been warned about the hair loss, I knew it was coming, I had the wig ready,
I was primed. Not a SINGLE hair fell from my head until the last day. Ten days
in and out with lustrous locks. Thinking I’d beaten the system. I’m now sitting
at home in a baseball cap. Lured into a false sense of security and living
it up like the Hamlet cigar man.
And so onwards. I knew the side effects
would last after the radio – occasional headaches, tick. Maybe the odd flashing
light, tick. Tiredness. Tick. Curling up on the sofa for the afternoon watching
yet another antiques programme has become quite the past time for me and Ma B. All doable, all fine.
And then just when I thought I was coming
out of the woods and would be crawling into feeling normal again……………. Pancreatitis. It’s horrid. Thursday night was
spent in excrutiating pain – I went to bed at 7pm to lie down because every
muscle in my abdomen felt like it was being wrung out like a sponge. Couldn’t
lie down flat though. Or on one side. Or on the other (although that was
marginally less horrendous). Deflatine for trapped wind I thought! No.
Paracetamol? Nothing. Ibuprofen? Pah. Morphine? Proper drugs? Nope. You just
lie there writhing about a bit love. So much for my “if I fall asleep my
muscles will miraculously relax and all will be well with the world”. Doesn’t
work if you can’t fall asleep. Or if that’s just quack medicine made up in your
own head. So at 4am I had to call poor Nse one of my amazing chemo nurses, wake
her up and ask what the heck I should do. By quarter past four me, Ma and Pa
were hoofing it to the Whittington and by quarter to five I was in a bed being
hooked up to a drip and having very lovely A&E doctors very tenderly
prodding my very sore and very distended tummy. I looked like I was about 3
months pregnant.
The pancreatitis diagnosis came quickly.
There was something in my blood that should read in the 30s or so. My level was
457. Not good it turns out. Painkillers and fluids and the loveliness that goes
with everyone who works at the Whittington and a few hours later I was
transferred up to an amazing private room with views looking over the whole of
London. As we’ve seen before, you very much have to look for the silver lining in
this game and that room was the biggest treat.
I then spent the weekend whinging that I
wasn’t even proper ill. That I’d BEEN proper ill and this wasn’t it and was
just bloating and a bit of pain and it was all just too frustrating and boring
(for most of my bending over backwards to win NHS patient of the year I can be
a right old whinge-bag to anyone who’s not a doctor or nurse sometimes). Luckily,
Analie advised me from Googling what pancreatitis was, so I just carried on
feeling sorry for myself, drank my water like a good girl, weed into the
buckets they gave me, and accepted everything that came my way. Until Sunday
when the pain and bloating had significantly reduced and I (somehow) managed to
get myself discharged on a Sunday evening. Unheard of, and very gratefully
accepted.
I saw Dr Spurrell on Monday, after going in
for them to check all my blood levels were continuing to return to normal.
Seemingly the pancreatitis has been triggered by the steroids I needed to be on
for my head, so I’m weaning myself off them as fast as medically recommended and possible.
SHE thought I was big enough and ugly enough to know what pancreatitis was, so
she told me (after telling me that often it’s something that big boozers get
and I haven’t even had a SNIFF of wine since Rome, and even that was on a very
pared back level). Apparently it’s when your pancreas gets inflamed and starts
leaking digestive juices. Which, because they have nothing better to do, start
digesting you. Like, your innards.
So yeah, proper ill. Just for a day though.
But anyway, I’m out now and better and
looking forward to clambering back to feeling normal and being normal and
getting right back on the board.